Doc Visit

I'm going to ramble and have no organized thoughts here, so bare with me...
I had my annual done today. Always fun :(
I freaked a little cause he seemed to stick on one area of my breast for a while. Then he moved on so I guess it was nothing.
He told me my weight is too high to try and have babies right now. Talk about a slap in the face.
I hate south beach. I asked the MD if weight watchers is OK. He said it is so I am gonna do that instead.
I started Metformin today. 500mg twice a day, with food. So far no side effects. Well, I do feel like I need to poopy, but thats normal for this time of the day.
Everything I had lost the 1st week of SB I gained back the 2nd week. How retarded is that!
I painted my kitchen. Next is new light fixtures and hardware for the cabinets. I also want a rug for in front of the stove.
Now it is time to go home so I out.

Day 4

Well I have been on the South Beach diet for 4 days and I have lost 5.6 pounds. I had to take down the ticker that had my first goal of 15 lbs on it. I didn't save the page I created it on and I couldn't update it. I will try and make another one later.
I am happy with the results of the diet but the food is lacking. Everything I had read talked about the symptoms from the withdraw from caffeine, sugar, and carbs but I didn't expect it to be this bad. The books say you won't be hungry. I am though. because I don't feel full until I get what I want, and what I want right now is McDonald's and some Sonic ice cream. The 1st two weeks are the hardest because you are detoxing. That is supposed to make the cravings for the bad foods go away. There just aren't many options for food. I went to Barnes and noble last night and got a new cook book. Hopefully that will help me find some stuff. Once I am on phase 2, which is after the initial 2 week, there are more options and..... I can have coffee again. Thank you Jesus. Last night we ate baked chicken, spinach, and mashed potatoes that actually had no potatoes but instead cauliflower. They were good while they were hot. Once they started to cool down they tasted like cauliflower, which I don't like. For lunch today I will have a salad from the salad bar here at work. My snacks are 1 cheese stick, 3 celery stalks w/ 1 laughing cow cheese wedge, and 1 sugar free jello. Oh, and lots of gum. Since I have starting dieting (for real) my nicotine cravings have come back. But I will give into chocolate cake before I give into that.

Appt w/ the Hemotologist

Well let me say that was a waste of $40.00. My appointment was at 1:30. I arrived by 1:15. I had my weight checked and was in the room waiting till 2:10. The doctor talked to me and confirmed what my mom has been telling me for ages. He thinks I have thalassemia. [ WEB MD-Thalassemia (say "thal-uh-SEE-mee-uh") is an inherited blood disorder that causes the body to produce less hemoglobin. Hemoglobin helps red blood cells spread oxygen all through your body. Low levels of hemoglobin may cause anemia, an illness that makes you feel weak and tired. Severe cases of anemia may damage organs and result in death. ] That explains why my bloodwork comes back anemic at times and fine at others. At least I know, but I have wasted so much time when I have repeatedly told doctors I think I have that since my mother and aunt do. So after that I had to go wait for the bloodwork to be done. I didn't see the nurse for that until 3pm. I was very antsy.

I have my next appt with my RE on the 19th at 10a. I'm pretty sure with all the blood tests back he is going to prescribe metformin for my PCOS.

I added a ticker at the top of the page to make the countdown to my first weight loss goal. Once I get to 15lbs Hubby and I are going to celebrate. Either with dinner at the melting pot [http://www.meltingpot.com/] or a baseball game. We will choose once we get closer. So far I am at 4lbs, and since I have only been on this diet since Sunday that is pretty good. I know it's water weight but it's still awesome to see the numbers going down for once.

Quick Update

I had my Glucose tolerance test done yesterday. It was a dreadful process. I got there late (for me, I wanted to get there by 9am) and they didn't see me until even later. I had my first four vials of blood drawn a little after 10am. I was shocked because I thought they were just going to prick my finger. Immediatly after they drew my blood I was given the orange goo that tasted like triaminic cough syrup. I thought I was going to be able to sip it over a 2 hour period but they told me to drink it within 5 minutes. So I drank it grudgingly because I wanted to choose my flavor and they didn't give me a choice. Then began my wait. I tried to read my book (currently reading 'The Shack'). I had trouble concentrating though. There were a few characters in there. One was a white trashy fat woman who walked around talking to everyone. She was driving the receptionist crazy cause she kept asking her medical questions looking for a free diagnosis. There was also one of those couples who had conversations like they were talking for everyone else. After every stupid remark they would look around for everyones reaction. Anyhow, after sitting there for 2 long hours I finally got called back to get another vial of blood drawn. I won't have the results for a week. Monday is my appointment with the hemotologist.

Referral

I got the referral for the Hemotologist. I go in on May 4th. That means I need to go ahead and get my fasting glucose test done. I know I need to take off at least 4 hours for it so I will see what I can work out w/work.

Houston, we have a diagnosis

PCOS, yup I've got it. So what does this mean? Well the Dr. R is getting a full blood work-up done, including a hormone level test and a glucose tolerance test. I had been with Dr. H before this, however I got more info in the 20 min I spent with Dr. R than I ever had with her. So I told him I wanted to switch. So it is in my hands now. I need to get these tests done and make my next appointment. I am just so glad I have an answer. FINALLY!

Yesterday was tough

But I am feeling better today. DH is still sleeping, he didn't get off until 8 this morning and I know he stayed up for a while because I could hear him turning the pages of his book. I was going to wake him up at 3:30 so we could spend some time together, but I am going to let him sleep a little longer. I am going to go take a shower and run to CVS and get some OPK's. It's about that time again. I may just get a pedicure while I am out..... we will see.

I feel like I am dreaming

I have this unreal feeling today. Like I am in a dream. It is very odd.
Yesterday morning I had a message from my Aunt that her husband had suffered a major heart attack that night and was in the hospital. She called from an anonymous number, and didn't leave a call back. I called her cell phone, but you know how older people are, they don't have those things glued to themselves like my generation does. I left her a message, and waited for some news. This morning I had yet to hear anything so I called again-no answer, left a message. Then I called my mom to see if she knew how to get a hold of her-no answer, left a message. So I tried my cousin, her youngest son-no answer, left a message. I have heard from her since, she called about the time I arrived to work so I could not answer. She did leave a message. They are about 95% sure they will remove him from life support today. I thought I had done such a good job of removing myself from family/death that it would not affect me. But he is a good man, and she needs him. He is young. Only in his 50's. I am afraid she will give up her fight for life if she loses him. So, I am sad today. This is bringing back so many memories that I do not want to think about. I am 8 years old again. People I don't know in my house, like there is some sort of party. My mom is on the phone crying. I see my brother leave, someone is taking him for ice cream. I ask someone what is going on and they tell me my dad is gone. Well, I knew that, he was in St Louis having some sort of surgery. Everyone is crying and hugging and I am so confused. I hear the words "dead" and "never coming back" and I think I get it. I run out of the house. No one notices. I go across the street, I swing on my neighbors swing set, their mom comes out to talk to me about how she lost her mom when she was young too. I don't cry, because if I don't cry it won't be real. The only person who would have noticed, even cared that I was gone, is no longer here to care.

Time for step 2

There are certain things you should do when trying to conceive. Take vitamins, don't smoke, be healthy (i.e. lose weight, eat right, exercise). So, I stopped smoking and yesterday I bought a multi-vitamin. Tomorrow, I will start a diet. I don't know my weight for sure. I know it is somewhere between 180 and 190. I am only 4'11" so thats a bit big. Definately the most I have ever weighed. I am not telling anyone. Except for Chris, since he will be around all the time and will know. Plus, he wants to lose weight too.
So that's the next step for me. Today I am at work, not wanting to be of course. I am going to work on a grocery list, even though I can't go grocery shopping until next week.

2 weeks and 1 day

That is how long I have made it without smoking. I am proud of myself.

I had to reschedule my doctors appointment for tomorrow. I am still bleeding so there isn't much they can do. So I will be going April 22nd instead. Also, it will be my first time with a male doctor. My regular doctor is out on maternity leave (go figure). I am still going to go in and let them draw yet more blood tomorrow. They think I have thalesemia. What this means in the grand scheme of things I don't know.

A big shock came in the mail this weekend. We were not expecting any kind of refund from our deposit at the apartment, thanks to aquiring a puppy during that time. But when I checked the mail on Saturday there was a check in there for $800 bucks. Talk about a lucky day! Now we can get a lawnmower without dipping into our savings. I am also going to... I hate to say let, or allow.... maybe agree is the right word. I am also going to agree to Chris getting a new pair of Ice Skates. Even though the weather is crap, we are going to get the lawnmower tonight.

I am still taking the day off tomorrow so I hope to get something done around the house.....we will see.

Another day, another negative

I was really thinking for sure this time was it. Being as I used to bleed ALL the time, not bleeding for 34 days had to mean something! So I took another test last night. Nope, nadda. One little line. No plus sign. It is probably mental, maybe not, but I am super crampy today. I bought two tests so that I could still test the morning of the 4th like I had originally planned. But the way I am feeling today I probably won't need to. I am bummed. I really had my hopes up. I am trying to make a list of things to ask the doctor when I go in on the 7th. Like, why haven't they tested Chris yet? Why can't they do a blood test to see if I am ovulating? Questions were piling up in my head, and now that I have decided to write them down, they are gone. Can't think of anything.

Enough about that. I want to try not to think about it.

I took my favorite ring in to get sized this weekend. It was the first birthday present I got from Chris. It is a very quaint sapphire ring that has past present future engraved in it. I put a picture of it up top. I know it isn't much. Where most people would say their wedding ring is their favorite, this one has so much meaning to it. 1. It was the first piece of jewelry he ever got me. 2. He did it by himself, picked it out AND remembered my favorite stone. 3. It remindes me of when we were in the "falling in love stage".

Being in love is great, but the overwhelming joy of being friends with someone for years, and finally realizing you are meant to be and living it out. Oh, it was wonderful. So, I get to go pick it up Sunday and I can't wait to be able to wear it again. Look at it everyday, and know, I am with the best man for me.

Yesterday I took my wedding ring to get cleaned. It was looking pretty dingy. It is in a micro pave setting. As pretty as it is, those small stones get dirty fast. I also had to go to walmart. We normally go when Chris gets off on Sundays, so at 7am, when it isn't busy. Because of the way my payday fell (I get paid on the last day of the month and on the 15th) We were running short on stuff and had to go last night. It was not fun. But we finished fairly quickly. I left work an hour early so I could get everthing done. Had I not it would have been almost 9pm before I got home.

I went to bed early and I am still sleepy today. I haven't been sleeping well and it is starting to wear me down. Chris has to go in at 6 tonight so I will be pulling in the garage as he is pulling out. I will miss having dinner with him, but i will more than likely just have a bowl of cereal, watch a little tv or read, and call it an early night.

*** just a note*** I went to the bathroom right after I posted this and yep, AF is here. Go figure I am at work and don't have anything to take care of the problem. Gotta love toilet paper coverage.

And on the 5th day....

I feel like I am about to lose my mind. Work is incredibly slow at the moment. Earlier this week I had so much on my plate that I stayed focused and completed everything-well under deadline. Now I have nothing to do. Building up the angst, it is Friday, and spring must have forgotten what it is supposed to do because the weather is turning viciously sour. Here it is, the end of March in the midwest and we are expecting 8-12 inches of snow tonight. WTF! Last weekend I contemplated turning on the air conditioner, now I will be trapped in by a blizzard. This morning on my drive in the sleet started, oh yay. So on my lunch break I called the cable company. I had to switch companies when I moved and on my last bill from the apartment there was a credit. I explained this to the rep when I called and I asked when I should expect to receive the credit. She told me I already had it. Um, excuse me? No I don't. The stupid stupid girl was talking about the statement. Well, hello, how would I know I had a credit if I didn't have the statement? Dumbass. So I have to wait 4-6 weeks. That will be a nice surprise in the mailbox when it finally comes. Next I had to call the trash company. When we set up the service in the beginning of Feb. they told us someone would bring a trash can the within 2 weeks. It is the end of March and still no trash can. I have had my husband calling every week to ask about it. He can be a bit of a push over so nothing has been accomplished. Of course, I had to do it so it would get done. (and people wonder why I am controlling and want to do everything myself, well, it is so it gets done right!) The lady keeps telling me we already have a can. I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle her. Bitch, don't call me a liar. Well, she say's they have to drive by on trash day to see if we really have one. Ugh. So I ask her, don't you have to pay more to have the trash can? She tells me yes you do. I ask her if we have been paying that price, yes we have. Well, we are paying for a trash can we don't have. She tells me they will credit the account after they drive by and see we don't have a can. Talk about being irritated. ALL I WANT IS A TRASH CAN SO MY GARAGE WON'T SMELL. Now, I know I am being overly sensitive because I need some nicotine....badly. But I won't do it. I have to be strong. The burning sensation I feel coursing through my veins will go away. Eventually.

Sick

I don't feel good. I need to give some background for this one to make sense. I quit smoking when I was 25. I started smoking again at 26. Quit again that same year, started again at 27. Quit 3 months later. Only to start again that same year when I was in Vegas for my wedding. I married my husband last August. We said we would only smoke while we were there. Then when we got back, it was we will only smoke when we drink. Then, well, if you smoke you know how it goes. We had been somewhat trying to get pregnant for a year before that. I say somewhat because we weren't charting or going to the doctor, or anything else like that. It was just sorta, if it happens great, but we won't really worry about it till after the wedding. So we get back and that same month I go to the doctor. I knew things weren't going to be great because I had been bleeding almost nonstop. Not heavy, just irritating. 1st things 1st, they put me on drugs to try to regulate me. That works for the month I am on it, and the month after. Then it is back to bleeding non stop. Now it is nearing the end of November. I go back to the doctor in December. They want to try a different drug, and they want me to take a ovulation test EVERY DAY. So I take the new drug. It stoped the bleeding immediately. I pee on the stupid expensive sticks every day. No positive results. But to me, this is pointless. Tests are never 100% reliable. Isn't there just some blood test they can do to tell if I have ovulated or not? In January we buy a house and we start moving in the beginning of February. I told my husband I wasn't going to start any fertility drugs (they told me the next step is Clomid) until I stop smoking. I wanted to quit for my birthday (March 19th). We are so busy with moving I don't think much about going to the doctor because I know I can't go any further with it anyhow. I bleed until the end of Feb. The 26th to be exact. Then nothing. Nada. (yes, we still have sex even though I am bleeding. It isn't heavy enough to effect "that:") I am taken aback. For my birthday I get a pregnancy test. It was negative, I was expecting it to be. I said I wasn't going to take one until Apr 4th, but we are impatient people. I haven't touched a cigarrette since Sunday (22nd). Just in case. Not just that. For me, for my health. When April 4th comes around, if I still haven't started I am taking another test. I am going back to the doctor April 7th. But, back to not feeling good. I didn't feel good yesterday afternoon either. I have the heartburny-thowuppy-nasty burps. I am queasy as well. I am questioning if I am just ill, maybe it's "afternoon sickness", or maybe it is withdrawal symptoms. Who knows, but I do not like it.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream I arrived at work and found I needed to go home for something. In my dream I lived fairly close to home so I decided to walk, it took me about 30 min to get home. On my way I walked through an auto shop and saw my ex sweeping the lot. It put me in a horrible mood. When I got home my husband was there practicing his speech in the mirror (I've been playing the sims too much) I took my shoes off when I came in and when it was time to leave I couldn't find them. (I don't remember what I was looking for in the 1st place) I called work and told them I sprained my ankle so I would be really late, why I lied I don't know. I was so mad at my husband because I didn't feel he was helping me look for them. It wasn't my house in this dream. It was like some 4 room run down shack that had a table, a beat up couch, and a mattress on the floor. Finally I wanted to leave, I don't remember if I ever found my shoes or not. I asked my husband to give me a ride back to work. When I got out and was walking in I saw these two men beating up a pregnant lady. Then the guy attacked me. I screamed for my husband and somehow he heard and he came running. I asked him to beat the guy up but he decided he would trick the guy into following him somewhere. When we rounded a corner there were these "bros" there and they pepper sprayed the "thugs". Then my hubby was mad at me cause somehow I got in the middle of some police investigation. The cops weren't mad though. They gave us these large gold coins as a good citizen thing and they were good for 1 day off work. I was glad because I was so late to work by now I needed it. The catch was you had to go in and give it to your boss to use it. So my husband left and I realized I was at my old job. I went to call him but I didn't have my phone. I figured I would just walk it. So I was walking down the road and this school bus with police sirens zips around the corner chasing kids, it was the skipping school police. (random) So I continue walking and I get to a deserted highway. There is a group of people on the side of the road. 2 boys, 1 girl. I smile and nod and continue on my way. I hear them snickering in the background and one of the boys comes to attack me. I am fighting him in the middle of the road and a truck comes driving up. The guy in the truck gets out and start talking to the other guy that was attacking me. He is being friendly and joking with them so I stole his truck. As I was trying to adjust the seat and drive off the guy that was attacking me jumps in. I drive off anyhow and we notice there is a baby in the back seat. The guy is weird. he thinks he is in love with me. I figure the only way out of this is to act like I like him too. We drive to a place that was much like a college campus. He is embarrassing me everywhere we go. He ends up talking to a group of people, almost like teaching a class. I run off during this time. I am running through halls and office type areas and I notice he is chasing me. I start calling his name, acting like I am looking for him, as I was afraid of what would come of it if he thought I was running away from him. So I let him find me and we head back to the truck. When we get there, there is a cop waiting for us because we had left the baby inside the vehicle. We hop in and take off leaving the cop in the dust. The guy is telling me to be careful because there are other cops in the parking lot. I act like I am all nervous and jump curves to get the other cops attention. It didn't work, and we are headed to a 7-11 and that is all I remember.